


essentially, I did fuck him

by a_tian



Series: can zhan zhengxi PLEASE get a waffle [1]
Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Attempt at Humor, M/M, crackfic, why am i writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26209972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_tian/pseuds/a_tian
Summary: Hearing He Tian scream in pain is one of those sounds that Zhan Zhengxi never thought he'd hear. It's like hearing an iceberg crack, or hearing a pirhana bark. It startles him just as bad as those two sounds would.Alternatively:Dick papercut.
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days), Jian Yi/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days)
Series: can zhan zhengxi PLEASE get a waffle [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904050
Comments: 28
Kudos: 282





	essentially, I did fuck him

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LumCheng](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumCheng/gifts).



> 19elaine told me she would give me her firstborn if i wrote this fic

Hearing He Tian scream in pain is one of those sounds that Zhan Zhengxi never thought he'd hear. It's like hearing an iceberg crack, or hearing a pirhana bark. It startles him just as bad as those two sounds would.

Zhan Zhengxi, being the valiant and brave human being he is, rushes to He Tian's bedroom to see what in the world could have possibly made He Tian scream like that. He Tian has screamed to varying degrees before. The first time was on the basketball court back in middle school when he got too competitive, and the most recent time was a month ago, when Mo Guanshan was forced to dress in a maid costume for their university's annual festival.

Zhan Zhengxi took a deep breath and steeled himself when he opened the door, for a torn ligament, a limb twisted wildly, a head bleeding like crazy. He just saw He Tian staring down his pants in horror, a large photo of Mo Guanshan with a hole cut through the mouth beneath his right hand. 

_Please don't let this be a dick problem_ , Zhan Zhengxi thought fervently, even though it was obviously a dick problem.

"His dick," Zhan Zhengxi heard a whisper, and he snapped his head towards the window that Jian Yi was pressed againt, wince on his pale face. 

Jian Yi is still supposed to be in school right now, He Tian looked more fearful by the minute, and that picture of Mo Guanshan is raising too many questions.

"Okay. We do not have time to unpack all of this," Zhan Zhengxi turns back towards He Tian, pointedly not looking anywhere but the ceiling. "He Tian, is your penis oka-"

"No."

"Okay. Do you want me to drive you to the hos-"

"I have never felt anything like this before."

"Hospital?"

"I don't know. What if it gets infected? Do you think my foreskin will tear off?"

Zhan Zhengxi didn't need to know that He Tian is uncircumcised.

"...What happened?"

"..."

"Hospital?"

"Xixi, stop with the hospital-"

"Shut the hell up, why are you even here?"

"Yessir."

"Hospital?"

He Tian heaved a sigh and looked at Zhan Zhengxi. The last thing Zhan Zhengxi wanted was to make eye contact with his roommate right now.

"I think... I'm okay. It feels weird."

"Okay. I have to go finish my essay."

"Well, aren't you a curious one?"

"I don't want to know as long as you're okay."

"He got a dick papercut," Jian Yi chimes in, now less plastered to the wall, looking a bit more relieved.

"I said I didn't want to know. Will you please go back to school? It's 12 o' clock."

"I'm here for lunch!"

"You are in He Tian's bedroom for lunch."

"I am in He Tian's bedroom for lu-"

"I made this shitty joke to Jian Yi that if I fucked a photo of Mo Guanshan it would technically be fucking him, and he texted me that he'd be here soon and brought me this holed picture of Mo."

Zhan Zhengxi glanced at the photo of the redhead, realizing how much more eerie the hole looked on the black tiled floor.

"First of all. _First_ of all. Why the hell did you think that joke was remotely funny? That shit is so stupid. And Jian Yi, why do you have a printer-paper-sized photo of Mo Guanshan? And both of you thought this is okay? Just printing out a photo of our friend so He Tian can put his _dick_ in it?"

Both of the perpetrators fell silent, and Zhan Zhengxi could practically hear their dogbrains working as they realized how fucked up it all was. 

Zhan Zhengxi sighed. 

"You sick bastards. Jian Yi, will you go back to class? Lunch is almost over. I swear you two get dumber every year."

"I don't want to."

"If you do not want me to ask why exactly you felt like watching He Tian do this with your own eyes, then you will go back to class."

"He Tian's six-foot-six. I wanted to see how big his dick is."

" _For fuck's sake-_ "

"I told you and I am not going back to class."

Zhan Zhengxi silently asked whatever god was up there what he did to deserve any of this, and knelt next to He Tian, who was uselessly staring at his dick. He delivered a swift thwap to the back of his head, shaking the idiot out of his trance. 

"Both of you, do not mention a _word_ of this to Mo Guanshan."

Both boys nodded quickly at Zhan Zhengxi's tone. Mo Guanshan was already traumatized at finding a full album of photos of him in his maid constume under He Tian's bed last week, and Zhan Zhengxi will be damned if he let's anymore lecherous harm make it's way towards his brother-in-arms in having sick, perverted boyfriends. 

"Okay, but... I finally fucked Momo," He Tian's signature shit-eating grin all but graced his face. 

Zhan Zhengxi wanted to pull a Lan Wangji and facepalm hard enough to pass out. 

"This doesn't count."

"It counts if Momo says it counts!"

"Jian Yi, don't you fucking _dare_. If you are not out of here in the next ten minutes, I will rat you out to your mom," Zhan Zhengxi glared at Jian Yi hard enough to press him up against the window again, and whipped back to He Tian, whom he looked dead in the eyes. "And you. You know why you haven't fucked him yet? Because you pull shit like this."

And with that, Zhan Zhengxi slammed the door, leaving both boys gaping, and made his way back to the living room, where he tried his goddamn best to stop thinking about today's mini-shitshow.

Fifteen minutes into not forgetting today's mini-shitshow, Mo Guanshan swings the apartment door open, arms filled with paper bags, brows less furrowed than usual. The poor, unaware thing is in a good mood. 

"Hey, I brought you some snacks."

Zhan Zhengxi will defend Mo Guanshan from literally anyone for the rest of his life.

"Where's He Tian?"

The bastard himself peeks out of his room.

"Hey, babe," He Tian drawls, and Zhan Zhengxi almost rolls his eyes into another dimension.

"Hey," Mo Guanshan allows himself to be tugged into a light hug, and Zhan Zhengxi almost gasps with outrage. 

He narrows his eyes at He Tian, who sits at the counter while Mo Guanshan starts working in the kitchen. 

_'You don't deserve him,'_ Zhan Zhengxi mouths, clear as day, and He Tian swiftly nods in agreement.

Zhan Zhengxi is debating whether or not to respond the next time he hears He Tian yell.

**Author's Note:**

> Plot Twist: the next time He Tian screams, it's because he broke his leg, and he holds a grudge over Zhan Zhengxi not coming to check it out for a full twenty minutes before relenting.
> 
> @ a-tian on tumblr come shame me for writing this


End file.
